THE JOB INTERVEW

I did not realize how complex and demanding the search for a job can be. Against my own rigid early morning standards, I turned on the TV and happened to land on one of those talk-talk shows that this morning dealt with the etiquette, protocol and planning of getting a job and going through the necessary interviews.
I was exposed to non-stop and endless descriptions of such elements as how to dress, the type, model and way to wear eyeglasses, how to practice in order to develop a straight, self-assured, honest look even if you have just completed a 20 year term in the local pen.
The all-important Resume deserved a long interval and a flow of generalities such as “chronological order”, “time and date of most important positions”, “nature of work”, “personal experience in the industry or position involved”, “qualities you possess to contribute to the success of the company and the world economy in general”, “how to walk into the interview room as if you were about to deliver a State of the Union Message”, and of course “how to adopt a relaxed, self-confident manner”, during the interview.
For almost an hour, the program hostess and the three specialists, went back and forth discussing seriously whether shoe laces should be tied or not, how dirty jeans were unacceptable, smoking was out, no chewing tobacco nor chewing gum, how skirts must not be of the cheerleader cut, and the blouses must avoid tempting panoramas.
All this reminded me of my first interview for a job when I was 14 years old. I don’t think I observed a single one of the rules suggested by the TV show. I just walked into the office of the Big Boss and the one responsible for job assignments, and just said: “Hey, I would like to do the signal job this week!’
I got the job and not only for that week but also for the rest of the summer. You see, I walked in my shorts, bare footed, from my wing of the house to my father’s office suite in our home in a cozy cove in Nantucket, and asked him for the job. I received 150 bucks a week as “Signal Admiral”, as Cristobal, the boat captain baptized me.
The family boat was a 55 foot long sail boat with a crew of three; the boat needed a “Signal Officer”. My job was to turn the running lights at sunset and the steaming light when appropriate. But the fun part was pulling the horn handle. You know, letting the blasts know whether you were turning, entering or leaving port and greeting other vessels at sea.
In the ensuing decades, I used a similar approach. My employer, always my father, never failed me. I ended up as CEO of one the old man’s Investment Brokerage firms pulling a cool 11 million a year.
Until the roof fell in.
This morning, after watching the show on The Job Interview, I received an email from the members of our board of directors advising me that they had decided to file for bankruptcy and would do so formally in the next few days. They also were decent enough to mention that my closing compensation package, thanks to the generous stimulus policies of the government, had been set at 45 million dollars.
So here I am at the age of 34, unemployed and still unmarried. But I still have the yacht job. Now, was it three blasts to indicate danger, turning to port or reverse propulsion?

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If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'
'I don't like her.'

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NECKTIE?

As I do every morning while dressing for the office, I opened that part of my dressing room that houses my collection of neckties. Staring at me were those colorful Hermes, the English Salsbury, the Italiam Neri & Piccard, the fancy Swiss ties of the Remillard collection and the cheerful Virginia Pitt and Moore delicate silks. Gently, I selected the one whose color and design agreed without reservations with the discreet tones of the suit and the intriguing texture and color of the shirt I would wear that morning.
I carefully wrapped the lovely piece and tied it properly to my neck so that the image reflected in the mirror quietly confirmed that the right necktie added that sense of harmony, sobriety and charm that made the entire assembly something to admire and envy!
Then, I remembered. Today was the day when we would meet with the directors of Bella Horizons, the huge Investment Bank that would hopefully agree to utilize the services of our Law Firm. I stopped in front of the mirror and faced a serious dilemma. The Bella bank, in an effort to remove from popular perception the look of the greedy, multi million dollar bonus-enhanced wealthy officers, had suddenly decided – and following the now common fashion – not to wear neckties.
For an instant I hated George Clooney, Brad Pitt and President Obama. George in particular had contributed more than the others, to the dismissal of such important part of proper attire. He had developed with unique care and a touch of sophisticated indifference, that open neck shirt fashion that, coupled with his gently sarcastic smile had managed to seduce both male and female audiences the world over.
The neck tie was silently and without a decent form of rejection, turned into an unnecessary piece of clothing that could be discarded without any negative reaction or any form of protest.
Brad Pitt followed silently. He just made sure that those throbbing embraces with Angelina, did not prevent a clear view of his tie-less, manly chest. He did not look all that bad, especially when he had Angelina in his arms.
And then, we have President Barack Obama. All of a sudden, the White House acquired the flavor of a modest high school in the Pennsylvania hills; no ties in sight. Even the serious ones that march with frowns on their faces and a suspicious twist of tight lips, while they ponder whether the measures they proposed a decade earlier are still acceptable, walked around without neckties. And they looked terrible, like those measures they proposed.
The President’s example however, must be followed, out with the neckties! Our beloved president does not look great without a neck tie. There is no romance as in the case of George, or the sense of adventure we easily perceive in Brad’s looks. President Obama was not created to go around without a necktie. His physical profile strongly suggests a subtle tie or a coquettish bow tie, but never an open collar shirt.
To make a story short, I attended the meeting that day and looked different but proud from those necktie-less idiots!
The meeting somehow was cut short by our potential client. I am inclined to believe that they felt a bit ashamed of their ridiculous but casual tie-less look compared to the neat and harmonious look that I am sure I projected. We did not get the contract and my own boss, tie-less, asked me to resign, but agreed to fork out the 15 million dollar compensation clause in my contract.
I am looking for a job now! And buying new ties!


* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

THE HEALTH CARE NIGHTMARE

I stayed up late this morning following the noisy fallout from the Health Care Reform vote. It reminded me of one of those free for all gladiator competitions in the Roman Coliseum when a batch of new competitors were admitted from the provinces. It satisfied some hidden twists in my soul that up to now had remained dormant.
The first thing I did this morning was to see my doctor.
“You don’t look like a socialistic practitioner, doc.” I began.
He looked at me, adjusted his Hermes necktie (233 dollars) and replied;
“Not yet. I begin the indoctrination, conversion and training this evening. It will only last three years but at the end of it I become an Honorable Health Mechanic and Community registered member of the American Peoples Life Court, or in simple words Почетные механик здоровья и зарегистрированный член общины американского суда людей !”
“That is great Doc. Now, what are we going to do about my haircuts. Your barbershop downstairs used to charge me 75 dollar for every haircut and 55 dollars for a shave. I guess that now all that will be free of charge, if we believe Obama and his legions! Right?”
“Not quite my friend. Haircuts and shaves will now be conducted under the supervision of licensed CraniumNneurological Specialists and Skin Face Growth Controllers. You get them free of charge now but their fees and expense will be paid directly by the new Health Care Administration!”
“This is quite a switch”, I said.
“Of course. Now, you can also ask your mother in law to come in any time for a check on her gout, neuritis, arthrosis, headaches, crossed eyes, rheumatism, insomnia and morning and afternoon dizziness. While at it, get also that cute secretary of yours to come and see me after hours so that I can examine her without having to rush the tests I have had in mind for her for some time!”
I love the Health Care Reform!